The Ghost of Rose's Past
by TT96
Summary: In the end of Shadow Kiss, Dimitri doesn't get turned. He dies. Rose feels like half her spirit has been ripped away. But that can't really happen- now can it? Some love stories end with death. And some begin with it.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Richelle Mead owns Vampire Academy.**

**Preface**

They always say that love is blind. But why don't they say that love is death? That one suited my life better. For many reasons.

They also always say that love is in the eye of the beholder. That one suited my life perfectly. After all, I _was_ the only one who could really see my lover.

Things weren't always like this. Backwards, I mean. For example, my favourite shadow-kissed effect used to be the bond I share with my best friend, Lissa. Who would have known that that would be demoted for the side effect that used to be the worst, the one that had caused me the most pain? I sure hadn't.

_You will lose what you value most_. Ha- we had both been right at first, and then _I_ had been wrong. _I_ was in fact what he valued most. He valued me over his own life, his own soul. That was proven when he lost some of his senses; senses that were valuable in his relationship with me. His relationships with everybody and anybody, really. But he wouldn't need them with everybody actually. I was the only one alive in this new life of his.

I could never fully image my life as a fairy tale, with the grand ending that was always, "And they both lived happily ever after." Now I knew why. I had always thought the most important part of that saying was the "happily ever after" part. But I found out early in my life that "they both _lived" _was the key part.

Or when they say, "Till death do us part." The "us" was the most important word. The saying wasn't "Till death do _me_ part." Lovers are a package-deal. But, ever since _that day_, I preferred more, "forever and always." That one made more sense to me. Love doesn't fade as soon as the other one dies. Never.

These little things that I was thinking of for the first time, I hadn't thought about them… before now. This new Dimitri had me thinking outside the box at hidden meanings to everything.

Love takes place in many forms. Some people letter write, while others are with each other all the time. Whether or not they are actually physically near each other or emotionally.

Every love is unique and special in its own way. My love story didn't fall short in that. Believe me. Mine is one of a kind.

Some love stories are perfect and magical, and some are mediocre and normal. Some end with death.

And some begin with it. In the end, a part of me died too.

This is my lifelong love story.

* * *

**Chapter 1**

He had been turned.

That's what I knew. The love of my life had been turned into an evil creature of the night. He now lurked in the shadows and stayed hidden from the day.

In that moment, my mother didn't say it aloud. She just put the dots close enough together for me to connect them on my own. I was rather thankful for this. Having it said out loud made everything that much more real. I couldn't afford that. I would break down in front of everybody if I heard the words. The truth.

But he hadn't been found back in the caves. That was what they said. In other words, that could only mean one thing: he was no longer the Dimitri I fell in love with.

"I'm so sorry, Rose." That was all that was left for my mother to say to me. All the comfort in the world wouldn't help my case. He was gone.

_You will lose what you value most. _Ugh. We had both been wrong. It hadn't been me; it had been his very own soul.

After holding the unstoppable tears inside my lonely, broken heart for a few minutes more, I didn't care who was watching or what they thought; I just let the tears spill over. My mother tried to comfort me further by giving me an awkward sort of hug.

Lissa rushed to my side as well. "Rose, it's going to be okay. I promise." I could tell she was saying this to herself just as much as to me.

I couldn't think. My head was spinning all over the place. A million thoughts crashed my mind at the same time. All I wanted to think about doing was cuddling up in my room. Alone.

And I left.

Nobody bothered following me. They all knew that I didn't want to be around anybody. I needed time to be by myself, in the darkness and comfort of my own room.

Back in my room, I cried all night. Memories of my many moments with Dimitri flashed before my eyes. The pain hurt so much.

Dimitri would have been here for me in an instant had he still been… a dhampir. He would have held me in his precious arms and told me in that soft Russian voice of his, "Everything will be all right, Roza."

But he wasn't here. And he never would be. Not ever again.

Why life was so cruel and unfair, I had no idea. Just when things were finally working out for Dimitri and I, _this_ had to happen.

Never again would I love. Alive or undead, or even _dead_, my heart would belong to him forever. As long as his very last breath that he'd taken lingered on this Earth, my soul remained his.

-xxx-

I woke up in a start with a crazy thought placed in my mind. Russia. I was going to Russia. Where else would he have been?

We'd made a promise. I remembered it so vividly now. As we rode in that van, on our way to the mall, Dimitri and I had made an unspoken promise to each other. I had to follow through on that. I had to save him from this horrible state he was in. He would have done the same for me.

I couldn't think about what I was going to do. I didn't know how I was going to go through with this. Seriously, how could I really have destroyed whatever was left of the man of my dreams?

But as I packed my bag, I grew more determined. I was really going through with this. I didn't give my brain the chance to think this over rationally for fear of changing my mind. I couldn't do that. Not to me and especially not to Dimitri. He _needed_ me to do this. For him. For us.

As my hands grabbed the things I would need most on my _trip_, I realized that, not only would I be leaving the Academy and all my training behind, but I would in addition be leaving Lissa behind. My best friend. I didn't want to do this to her. I knew she would be extremely upset with me. But I knew I had to do what felt right to me. It was time for _me_ to live my own life and do what I wanted to do. I couldn't follow her around everywhere. That was the simple path, a path my life would never lead me on whatever the situation. I was starting to comprehend this more and more each and every day.

I decided to give my mind a break from Lissa. I'd given her my moment of guilt. I couldn't continue to dwell on that. Instead, I thought of Adrian.

Adrian. A good friend to me. Even though he was sometimes annoying, he meant more to me than I lead on. He would do _anything_ for me. I just hoped he would do the next biggest favour on my list of requirements.

I left my bag inside my room as I went off to find Adrian. I still had many more things to do before my leave of absence.

As I reached Adrian's door, I knocked. I shook slightly as I waited, nervous. Approximately thirty seconds later, he answered. I could tell he was pretty depressed, which wasn't a good sign considering his usual charismatic self.

"Little dhampir," he answered. "What brings you to this neck of the woods?"

"Can I come in, Adrian?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Of course. Anywhere _I_'m allowed, you're allowed," he replied enthusiastically, as expected. He seemed in better spirits now. Now that I was here. Not to sound egotistical.

He gestured for me to come in, and I made my way over to the couch in front of the TV. He sat himself beside me.

He stared me down, which sort of intimidated me. I wasn't used to feeling that. It must have been the mood I was in; I wasn't used to feeling small, until now.

I gazed back at him, wondering what he was waiting for. Then, I understood. He was waiting for a reply to his initial question, the one he'd asked me before I had asked to enter. I decided to tell him honestly. "Adrian, I need your help. You see, I'm sort of leaving the Academy." I had no other way to put it.

_This_ caught him off guard. "What do you mean you're _sort of_ leaving the Academy? How is that possible? You're either leaving or you're not," he retorted, agitated. I _hated_ making Adrian upset. He was usually all cheerful and what not, and I felt really bad when this kind of behaviour escaped him.

I didn't let on to that though. I didn't show how much I cared that he was angry. "You know what I mean." That was it. That was all that would come out of my mouth that was usually so full of words. I was always so great at expressing myself. Except now.

"No, I don't know what you mean," he shot back with even more fury.

"Look Adrian," I pleaded desperately with him. "I am going away. And I need money to help me survive." I prayed he would understand if I put it like that.

"Why are you even leaving in the first place? And why would I give you money anyways?"

"First of all, I'm leaving because I have to. I can't stay here anymore. I need a break. I need to get away from everything." A small lie. "As for moneywise, I know you have it. I feel bad for asking, but please, Adrian, just this one favour for me." I smiled my famous Rose Hathaway smile and cuddled up to him. This was a new low for me. I knew that. But I had no other choice. I _had_ to free Dimitri. And if this was the only way…

"Fine!" he surrendered, pretending to be annoyed. "Do you know how difficult it is to stay mad with you? I'm so crazy, but okay, you can have the money. And yes, you can leave me. For a little while. Ugh."

I smiled a true, genuine smile. I was really happy. I couldn't stand him being angry with me. I didn't want our last conversation to end like that.

"Thank you, Adrian! You have no idea how much this means to me!" I gave him a big hug and felt him hug me back.

"You're welcome, Little dhampir. Anything for you." He patted my arm. "Don't I always come through for you?" he smirked.

I swapped his arm playfully. A smile rested on my face.

Moreover, he went to make phone calls. I heard him speaking rapidly into his cell phone. Once he hung up, he explained everything to me. He told me at what bank I would receive his money. In addition, he handed me a lot of cash that he already had on him.

He didn't want me to leave, but I knew my time was up. Unwillingly, he walked me to his door. Before opening it though, he spoke, "Rose, will you give me a chance when you come back?"

"What are you talking about?" I had a feeling I already knew what he meant.

"Will you give me a fair shot? As your _boyfriend_?" I looked at his face. He was dead serious.

Once again, I had to lie. About ever going out with him _and_ ever even coming back to the Academy. "Yes. I will," I said, trying my best to sound honest.

As a return to his beaming smile, I gave him a quick kiss on his cheek, looked at him for what I thought would be the last time, and then turned towards the door leaving him alone in his room.

-xxx-

They hadn't been happy about the mention of my departure. Kirova hadn't liked the news one bit. But it had had to be done. I had appeared purposely unemotional while handing in the paperwork of my withdrawal. That was all I could do to not cringe as she took the papers that would ruin my career away from me. I didn't want to think about it.

I couldn't stop thinking about Lissa, unlike what I'd promised myself. I was unable to build up the nerve to talk to her. Nonetheless, she didn't know that I was leaving. And I planned to keep it that way. For now. Until she found out some other way. Through my noticeable absence.

I walked across campus, all the way to the gates. After much arguing and frustration, the guards finally let me through.

As soon as I stepped through the wards that protected the Academy, I saw him. Mason. He was very faint, as if he could disappear at any second. And I realized that that was exactly it. It was time for him to go. It was long past forty days now. And he'd come to say goodbye.

"Goodbye, Mason," I said sadly, as I waved. "I'll miss you. But I'll see you soon."

He waved back with a smile on his face before disappearing into nothing. Thin air replaced the spot where he had previously been standing.

-xxx-

The plane was landing in Russia when I woke up. My first day in Russia _ever_ was my eighteenth birthday. I had always expected my first time in Russia _and_ my eighteenth birthday to go by differently. Not intertwine into the same day.

The plane ride had been _long_. Since I was out of the wards, I had to try with great effort to keep the walls that protected me from the ghosts up. Fatigue was taking over me though.

All passengers received the okay to get off the plane, and I walked off the plane, carrying my carry-on. Luckily, I hadn't brought any luggage, so I wouldn't have to wait long to retrieve anything like everyone else.

In spite of this, the airport was crowded and I knew it would take forever to get out. Ugh. I had forgotten how slow human airports could be. And believe me, I was _not_ a patient person.

I exited the airport as soon as I could. I saw a bunch of people and taxis all over the place. Seeing the swarm of people made me even more exhausted. I felt like I was lacking in the sleep department and had a feeling that, by the end of this trip, I _would _more likely than not become sleep deprived. I didn't have any time to waste on sleep.

The sun was setting, which meant it was the end of the vampire night. Students at the Academy would be waking up soon, and Lissa would notice my disappearance. I dreaded that. I made myself a mental note to check on her through the bond later.

Thinking back to me, I didn't think I could carry on without a pause. I wasn't feeling much for socializing with taxi drivers and people who could direct me to the right places.

I glanced to the right and noticed a bench. It wasn't in a busy area of the exterior of the airport. There was only one man sitting, with two others standing beside him. They weren't talking. As I moved closer, I was able to describe them more. The two standing were dhampirs. The other one sitting was a Moroi. He was tall and slim. He was _very_ tan and had black hair with dark eyes. His clothing was… whoa. I would have to think too much in order to describe him to the fullest. And my brain was fried. Let's just say he didn't look like your average Moroi.

I sat down, brave. I wouldn't let him intimidate me. Rose Hathaway never backs down.

To my astonishing surprise, he spoke to me, "Hello there."

_Rose, you're not supposed to talk to strangers. Especially creepy ones_, I reminded myself.

He continued, "I'm Abe Mazur. And you are?"

_Get up and walk away, Rose. You owe him nothing._ But I couldn't resist. I was curious about him.

So I answered, "I'm not supposed to give my name out to strangers, sir. _Sorry_." I said this in a fake, high-pitched, little girl's voice.

"Smart. Your mom taught you well," he mused.

"Sure she did," I muttered sarcastically, in a disbelieving tone.

"I wonder if my daughter has just as much as an attitude as you," he questioned to himself.

I nearly began to speak irrationally without thinking. I had enough self-control now to do otherwise, though. It was just… I had always thought Moroi men didn't care about their children. Most didn't stay long nor make an effort to watch them grow up. And, this guy really did seem to care. I sort of pitied him.

"Your, uh, daughter?" I stumbled out.

He sighed. "Never mind. It doesn't matter. Anyways, Miss I'm-not-supposed-to-give-my-name-out-to-strangers, what brings you to Russia? You're obviously American."

"What brings you to the airport?" _Ha-ha_. For _once_, Deirdre's sessions served me well. Answering someone else's question with another question. _And they say I never listen._

He chuckled. "Well, if you must know, my flight was delayed. They allowed me to wait outside. I'm quite down to Earth, you know. Usually I take private planes, but I decided today to go public. For personal reasons," he whispered at a notch lower than before.

"I can see that you're the type of person who carries a hidden agenda. Am I right?"

He smiled slyly. "Intuitive." He really was weird. And I liked it. "Now stop changing the subject. Why are you in Russia?" Or maybe not.

I contemplated on what to tell him. I never really was an open book to people about my personal problems. Then, I thought, _why not?_ It couldn't hurt, right? I mean, back at the Academy they all thought I needed a counselor. This wasn't _exactly_ the same. But letting my problems out on an unknown stranger _could_ help, right?

Against my better judgment, I decided to update him briefly about the current events in my life. "You see, I lost the love of my life. He is now strigoi. I'm having trouble coping and I know I'll never love anyone ever again. Not after _him_."

He actually laughed_ at_ me. Now _that_ infuriated me.

He chastised me, "You're just like every other teenager. Everyone thinks their first love is the only love they'll ever have. But I promise you, a pretty girl like you will find somebody else in no time. Of course, a part of you will always hold on to this dream guy of yours, but you will be happy with someone else."

Why did I think telling _him_ about my love life would make me feel better? I had been right: counselors didn't help solve problems. I regretted speaking to him now. He didn't understand. He didn't know what true love meant. I couldn't believe that I'd actually pitied him before. Why had I even talked to him to begin with? He was useless. Probably in a bad gang too. I hoped this wouldn't affect my future. You know, go on my personal record.

He didn't deserve to hear anything else from me. So I got up off the bench and walked off, not saying a word. I wouldn't look back.

"It was nice meeting you!" he called out from behind me. Still, I refused to look back. "Your heart will heal. I guarantee it." I could almost hear the amusement in his voice.

_Yeah, my life is one big joke_, I wanted to yell back to him.

Since I didn't have a taxi nor did I intend on going back to get one, I decided on walking. Surely I would have found a nice hotel nearby.

As I walked, I glanced around Moscow. Dimitri had been right. It was _beautiful_. Lights flooded the streets. A multitude of people pranced around. It was so vibrant and lively. I wished I could have come here in better circumstances. I knew well enough that dreams didn't always come true though.

I stopped when I found a hotel that looked pleasurable enough. I checked in at the lobby where the guy at the counter gave me the card to my room. Room 935.

In the elevator, I made a layout in my head of my day's (or night, depending on how you look at it) plan. I decided to just drop my bag off quickly in my room, and then go explore the city. Really though, all I wanted to do was sleep. It might have been the start of the vampire daytime, but this mission had already messed up my sleep cycle.

As I made my way down the hall to room 935, I felt exhaustion even more than before. The barriers I worked so hard to keep up began to falter. All that crying and the flight had made me overtired.

When I made it to my room, I let my barriers fall _slightly_. I figured that wouldn't have been as bad as it would have been had I let them drop completely.

But I was not prepared for what stood before me in my hotel room. A translucent figure stood in the centre of the room, facing me.

And he was not Mason.

He was about a foot taller than me and had shoulder-length hair. I gasped as I took in his luminescent appearance.

Dimitri.

**So, this is another idea that came to me. I realize that this chapter is awfully like the ending in Shadow Kiss, but this was crucial in order for me to set this story up to the place where I want the actual adventure to start. It is also jumpy because I didn't want to write so many chapters just about something you've already read. So, I decided to condense everything into one.**

**Now tell me, what do **_**you **_**think? Do you like it? Should I continue? Please let me know! Every review counts! =D**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey! I am so sorry for the delay in updating this story, but hopefully this chapter was worth the wait. :D And it is a long chapter too... :)**

**Thank you so, so much for all of your reviews and to those who favourited and alerted this story! You all really motivate me to write more. There were a couple of expressed confusions in the reviews, but this chapter should clear everything up. If not, I'll answer your questions in the next post or the next few chapters should straighten things out.**

**Thanks again!**

**Disclaimer: Richelle Mead owns everything.  
**

I stood there, frozen, not moving an inch. My feet were plastered to the ground. My brain was unable to process what was going on.

_How? _was the first thought that came to mind. Was this just my mind playing tricks on me? Was he really here?

It should have been impossible to see his beautiful face so close to me, at a near distance. He was Strigoi, after all. Those monsters had turned him into something horrible, something treacherous. And I _despised _them for that. I wanted to kill them all and free the world from these evil vampires. However, for Dimitri, I hadn't been completely sure what I would do with him. I'd had my ideas… ideas that involved killing him. But I had dreaded that and hadn't known what to expect to see once I had caught him. And now that I had, he definitely wasn't what I'd been awaiting.

What was happening to me? Was I simply going crazy, seeing him here in this very room with me? Because they hadn't found him back in the caves, and that could only mean one thing in my opinion.

Yet regarding him now, I could only pretend that he was still alive. I could only imagine how my Dimitri would be here in my days of misery, waiting for me. It was so easy to forget the wicked creature he had been changed into, the one I was out to get.

I snapped out of it.

Instead of going down that road that would bring me so much heartache, where I thought about Dimitri as a Strigoi, I decided to inspect this ghostly figure before me.

That caught my attention. My breath hitched. _Ghostly_ as in _ghost_. Of course! Seriously, how could I have not thought about this right away, from the second I had seen him? I knew why; because the very thought was so twisted, so freaky that it hadn't crossed my delicate mind, which was already about to explode with disruption.

I stared intently at his insubstantial figure for what seemed like forever. He looked back at me with the same intensity. I looked into his deep brown eyes, the ones I always got lost in, the ones that now took on a washed out colour, like every other aspect of him. Every feature he possessed was softened, and a very faint glow outlined his features.

The silence was too loud for me to bear. I didn't want to scare him, but decided to get over my paranoia. "Dimitri," I said, my voice wavering with that one precious word.

No answer.

Figures. I had sort of anticipated that. I had a feeling his lack of speech wasn't his fault, which encouraged me to further investigate.

"Dimitri," I tried again. "What's going on? I thought… I thought you were Strigoi."

My eyes brightened with a smile when he shook his head. _Okay, Rose. One question down, only a few more to go. You can do it._

I caught my breath. "This is a stupid question, but... are you, um, _alive_?"

Instantaneously, he shook his head with haste and gave me a grim look, as if to say, _Do I look alive to you, Rose?_ He only became harsh like that when he lost his self control. He had never really been that way with me. Only sometimes. Nevertheless, every time his tone changed to one of such fierceness, it stung. And this time was no exception.

Being Rose Hathaway, I put on my brave façade. I would not show how much he'd hurt me, how much I was already breaking inside. "Okay, okay. No need to get all feisty," I deadpanned.

Since the love of my life knew me so well, he could sense the false bravery covering up the sorrow in my voice and was quick to soften his face. Now, _that_ was the Dimitri I knew and loved; the one who never intended to hurt me and wanted me happy.

Feeling a tad better, I made a checklist in my head. _Okay, so not Strigoi; definitely not alive. Only one more option._

I sighed. "Dimitri, I know this probably should have been my first question; it would have saved us so much time… and anger, in your case. But, you're _dead_, right?" I cringed when my voice cracked. I closed my eyes, attempting to rest them, until I realized that I wouldn't see his answer if they were shut.

When I opened my eyes, the look I saw on his face was overwhelming. I wanted to walk right up to him, give him a hug, and wipe the oppressive look off his face. I was at a standstill though, as his depressed eyes pinned me in place.

He nodded, and I continued to take in the helplessness highlighted in all of his features. Teardrops threatened to spill vigorously from my eyes, and I fought to hold them in.

He had never appeared so _weak_ and so _desperate_. It was ironic really since, when he had been alive, he had been skeptical about my seeing ghosts and the state that he was officially in now. It killed me when that saying "What comes around goes around" popped into my mind. _He already learned enough about Ghosts 101 when Mason led us to the caves!_, I wanted to scream at whoever would listen.

This wasn't fair to him, to me, to us. What about the life we had both planned for ourselves, the one where we would be together? What about all my hopes and dreams? Did nobody hear my cries of pain?

"How did this happen?" I demanded, heartbroken. His silence prompted me to ask more questions that I knew he couldn't answer, making me hysterical. "You weren't in the caves, so wouldn't they have dragged you off and turned you into a Strigoi? Why would they drag off a dead body?"

Looking at him, I could see compassion in his features. "I don't want your sympathy!" I shrieked. "You're the one who's dead! Why? Who? I saw the blond Strigoi take you down; was _he_ the one who finished you off? Tell me, and I will find him so that I can take _him_ down! I _will_ have vengeance on your death, Dimitri. I can guarantee you that." I sensed the darkness creeping more and more inside of me with each word that left my mouth.

Dimitri shook his head in disapproval. I could tell he was trying to hide his own sadness from me for fear of making me more distraught.

Something about this moment brought me back to _that night_. That night where Jesse and his friends had tried to torture Lissa and I had taken the darkness away from her. There was a familiar feeling in the air now. And I remembered how Dimitri had been there for me, how he had calmed me down. That memory was burned into me forever. I remembered the exact words spoken.

"_Let me go!" I had yelled savagely._

"_No. Not until you break out of this. This isn't you!" he'd said desperately._

"_It is! Let me go!"_

_He had replied, agony in his voice, "It's not. It isn't you! _It isn't you_."_

_It isn't you_. Four words with one amazing man that had changed my entire behaviour that night. If it hadn't been me then, it sure wasn't me now.

Breathing heavily, I tried to flood myself with calmness. I buried myself in that valuable memory, so much, almost to the point where I was actually there, reliving it.

Dimitri gazed at me as I pushed the fury out of my entire body. He seemed reflective. Even though he stood in place, like that night, I felt him lending his strength to me. And I realized that alive, undead or even _dead_, he would always be my Dimitri.

Maybe this gift of seeing the dead wasn't so bad. Perhaps it had been given to me for a purpose. As long as I was with my Dimitri…

I didn't know exactly how things would turn out in the end, but then again, hadn't the end already come? The end of Dimitri? Or, you know, this could just be the beginning. I guess it all depends on how you look at it. In any case, true love never dies.

Maybe Ghost Dimitri and Dhampir Dimitri were the same. All it took was a leap of faith to find out.

And I was willing to make that jump, starting from where my feet were planted on the floor to where Dimitri stood in the centre of the room.

My heartbeat raced with each step I slowly and carefully took towards Dimitri. I memorized his face as I walked over to him, trying not to petrify him. He was only starting to grow accustomed to this new him, and I didn't want to make this process any more difficult on him.

I was two feet in front of him.

Acting on instinct- since I never genuinely was one to think things through first before doing- I reached my right hand out to gently caress his left cheek.

"Dimitri," I whispered lovingly, just as my hand grazed his cheek- or, what I'd thought was his cheek.

To my visibility, right when my hand was supposed to meet his cheek, it went through it like it would with water. It was like as if Dimitri's translucent figure had been replaced by thin air.

But Dimitri was still here, peering between my face and my hand with an additional amount of gloom.

Taken aback, I pulled my hand back with a jerk. I mulled over the significance of my hand's reaction to Dimitri's ghost.

Alarmed, I outstretched my arm again, willing my hand to try and make contact with him one more time, in order to further verify that my eyes weren't fooling around. It was a lost cause, because the matter had already been proven with my first attempt to make contact. My second try only affirmed reality.

By the look on Dimitri's face, I knew that he too had grasped the meaning of this. He watched, unable to comfort me with neither his touch nor his voice, as teardrops fell silently from my eyes.

What had I been thinking? I might be able to see a version of Dimitri with my eyes, but my relationship with him would _never_ be the same. He was _dead_. And the very thought killed me.

Still, no matter how much I hated it, he wouldn't ever again be able to speak to me in that affectionate way of his, tell me how much he loved me, and say soothing words of comfort. I would never again feel his loving touch in any way, like when he would kiss me, hold me in his delicate arms, or even just take hold of my hand. You don't realize all of these necessities until they're already gone.

I guess _I_ was what he valued most as he no longer had the senses that were important in order for him to fulfill his relationship with me.

It was just my luck that this had to happen to me. Well, to him, but indirectly to me also. Because right now, my moments with Dimitri would remain just that: moments. Memories.

I could see that Dimitri was pained too. We were both shaken up badly by this. Except that, while Dimitri mourned with facial expressions due to his inability to cry or speak, tears continued to fall freely from my stinging eyes.

Dimitri looked torn up, and I saw him processing his options in his head. No doubt thinking it was for the best, Dimitri _had_ to decide to make his departure right when I needed him most. Some boyfriend… or, considering the situation, ghost boyfriend.

Dimitri's ghostly figure started to fade little by little, his body growing fainter with each passing second.

"No! Please don't leave me!" I screamed in protest.

He continued to fade away.

"Dimitri, no! You can't leave me here all alone!" I begged, my voice turning scratchy from using it at full volume.

The remainder of him disappeared into nothing, and my whole body ached with his loss for the second time.

I was alone in this very large room. Isolated.

My arms wrapped around my stomach, trying to hold myself up and failing miserably as I fell to my knees. I did not try to hold in my cold tears as they rolled ferociously down my cheeks.

As fatigue took fully over my body and more unknown ghostly figures came into view, my world faded to black.

-xxx-

To say I was confused when waking up would be an understatement.

My eyes fluttered open. I felt groggy.

Lying flat on my back on the carpeted floor, I glanced around my hotel room. My unpacked bag sat unopened a few feet away from me; the bed was still made up; darkness radiated through the windows.

I checked the clock on the bedside table; it read 11:53 pm. I was surprised to find out that it was the middle of the human night. I'd slept for longer than I thought.

Slowly lifting myself off the floor, being careful not to get one of those headaches you get when getting up so quickly after a long night's sleep- even though they weren't as bad as the migraines I got when I saw ghosts- recent memories of barely four hours ago flashed before my eyes. My first encounter with a dead Dimitri rushed back into me.

My heart skipped a beat as I remembered the effect our earlier reunion had had on me. Pain, anger and frustration made their way back into me. However, I was feeling better than before. Probably even well enough to meet up with Dimitri again.

Once up off the floor, I tried summoning him, "Dimitri." When he didn't appear, I continued, "Dimitri, where are you? Man up and come face me." I said this a little more aggressively than I intended.

A few minutes passed, a few more painful cries to my lover said, concluding with the same result: his absence.

Staring blankly at the plain, white hotel wall as tears streamed down my face seemed to interest me at the moment. And so, as I shed my tears, I stared at nothingness.

That is, until I was bored out of my mind and couldn't stand it anymore.

I was stunned that whoever owned this hotel couldn't afford better wallpaper- or even _any_ wallpaper. White paint- really? That was all they accommodated to the people who would come back here, after a long day of tourism, to see and appreciate? And even for people like me, who only needed bright colours to cheer them up? I wasn't asking for much.

I focused way more than I should have on the idea. It shouldn't have been that great of a deal. After all, a lot of hotels had the same, typical wall colour. But in this very instant, this one detail tested my sanity. I realize that, when I'm in one of those moods, nothing I say or do is rational- which is why I welcomed the sudden distraction.

Lissa.

I was pulled into her head with a sharp force from the strength of her fury, now seeing through her eyes. She was halfway across the world from me, back at the Academy.

Anger radiated off her. It was something about her posture that screamed, _Stay away_ to anyone who had the nerve to confront her. Instead, _she_ was the one who did all the confronting.

It was lunchtime at the Academy and the commons was filled with students, eating away at their lunches while chatting in groups. There was only one group that stood out: _our_ group. Christian, Adrian and Eddie- who had, more or less, only a few injuries after Lissa had healed most of him up, but not enough to drain her- were already seated at our usual table- well, not so much _my_ table anymore- as Lissa made her way over to them.

Nevertheless, Christian had a seat saved for his girlfriend. His face fell a bit as he took in her bitter expression. "Lissa, what's wrong?" He stood up and walked over to her, pulling her into his warm embrace.

She cried into his shoulder, "She's gone. She's really gone."

"What are you talking about? Who's gone?" asked Christian, voice gentle.

"Rose," she replied with a sniffle.

She could tell that _this_ caught Eddie by surprise. Adrian, on the other hand, didn't say anything nor react in anyway. However, she did see a change in his aura that indicated nerves. I had a feeling I knew why. She decided to spare him the interrogation though. At least for now.

Eddie was the first to answer. "I don't understand. Why don't you have a seat and explain?"

Christian nodded towards the saved seat in encouragement. Lissa was still undecided, every emotion within her all tangled up. She was in the mood to _do something_ about my disappearance, but the idea of sharing with her friends tugged at her as well.

Adrian didn't seem to like this suggestion. "But she hasn't eaten since breakfast. Why doesn't she go grab some food? And you know what? I really should get going. I have to get back to my room for… something." Adrian was stalling. I felt bad for putting him in this situation, because it _was_ technically my fault. He probably knew though that I wouldn't want him mentioning what he knew to Lissa, as it would make her angry that I had told him about my withdrawal, but not her, my best friend.

They all noticed his stutter. Lissa especially knew something was up.

As he attempted to stand up, she barked, "Sit down." Lissa was extremely upset as she only ever got this mad for good reasons. Usually, she was gentle, kind and good-hearted. Today, the darkness was distinguishable in her. To be honest, it had me worried.

He sat back down as Eddie remarked, "Christian's a good boyfriend; I'm sure he wouldn't mind sharing the food on his plate. After all, Lissa's not a big eater, particularly when compared to Rose." He laughed as Christian smirked at Adrian. Personally, _I_ sort of was insulted. I never liked being the centre of anyone's joke.

Christian walked over to the seat designated to Lissa, and being a gentleman, brought out the chair from under the table. She hesitantly sat down. Christian followed suit and started rubbing her arm. She didn't say anything, but she loved it when he went out of his way to be so caring.

"Now please tell us what is going on. What's up with Rose?" Christian questioned soothingly.

And so, Lissa explained everything to the three guys watching her. "You remember this morning? You know, when Rose wasn't at breakfast?" Christian and Eddie nodded, and Eddie elbowed Adrian not-so-subtly, making Adrian nod his head too. "Well, we all thought she had just forgotten to turn her alarm clock on the night before and slept in; you know the usual Rose move. And I know we don't normally have morning classes together, but I got really worried when I didn't see her at all in between classes." She stopped, catching her breath. Three, or well, at least two pairs of eyes watched her intently. "Being my paranoid self, I just went now to her room to see if she was there, and she wasn't. Then, I checked the gym and no such luck. So I decided to go see Kirova and ask her if she could make a request for Rose over the intercom." She started to tear up and it broke my heart. "Although when I got there and asked, she said Rose was gone. She has withdrawn from the Academy and left. Without me. She didn't even tell me! How could she do this to me and leave me all alone to fend for myself? She knows how much I need her and how much she means to me." She let out a sob. I wished I was there to comfort her. Then again, I was the one responsible for all this pain she was suffering from.

Christian awkwardly hugged her from his chair, in a way to comfort. Eddie spoke in a frustrated manner, "What do you mean she left? _Why_? Why would she do that?"

She cried out, "I meant exactly what I said! She abandoned us. She abandoned _me_. _She is gone_." She tried to hide her tears so no one else except her group of friends would see. Luckily, no one was paying attention to their table.

"I don't understand why she'd leave…" Christian mused, pensive.

Eddie said, "Why don't we go back to Kirova and get all the information we can?"

"Good idea," Christian simply agreed. He leaned over towards Lissa and gave her a kiss on the cheek. It cheered her up a bit. "Come. We'll figure out the real story."

"I've already pried every single detail possible out of her! Believe me; she doesn't know much," Lissa answered in discouragement.

"Well, maybe there's more to the story. Come on, Rose _always_ has an ulterior motive." Again, it was weird for me to watch through Lissa's eyes as they talked about me. I knew they weren't backstabbing- just stating the obvious, I admit- but it was still odd.

No matter the mood she was in, she rolled her eyes. She thought that, in spite of how Christian and I had usually acted around each other when I had attended the Academy, we both had had friendly feelings towards each other. _You can dream all you want, Liss, but your man and I were never on good terms_.

She said, "I'll pass. Trust me; if _I_ can't get any useful information out of her, it would be useless for you to try." And just like that, I knew that she'd used compulsion on Kirova. It bothered me because I didn't want my best friend to get in trouble, though it didn't affect me much since it wasn't like Kirova understood my _ulterior motives_- as Christian had put it.

"Well, it's still worth a try," Eddie contradicted matter-of-factly.

"I want to go, but I really don't want to leave you alone," Christian told Lissa. It made Lissa ecstatic to know that he took her feelings into account so much. I was relieved to know I'd left her behind in good hands.

"I'll stay with her," Adrian offered.

Christian's face hardened. He didn't like the idea of Adrian and Lissa alone. Lissa was used to Christian's behaviour towards Adrian- especially when they had their magic practice sessions- as well as could see it in his aura. "I think it's a good plan," she insisted eagerly. She knew Adrian had discovered something about my departure- even to an outsider, he would look suspicious- and wanted to speak with him. That wasn't a good sign for me. She would feel betrayed by me because I'd chosen to tell Adrian over her. Although I had told him a lie- I'd said that I wanted to get away from everything- to him and Lissa it was the truth. And she would no doubt feel hurt. I prayed that Christian wouldn't leave them alone.

Christian turned to Lissa, and they shared one of those 'moments'. Unspoken messages passed between them. She was silently reassuring him that it was okay to leave her behind with Adrian. As if receiving this message- and contradicting my needs- he nodded his head in consent.

Lissa stood up right as Eddie and Christian rose, and walked over to her boyfriend in order to give him a hug goodbye. She whispered a quiet, "Thanks" and then went to give Eddie a hug.

The two guys walked off, leaving Lissa and Adrian by themselves. I comforted myself with the idea that perhaps Adrian wouldn't give out any knowledge of hearing about my absence beforehand. I realized however that I also hadn't hinted to him about my not telling Lissa or about _him_ not bringing up the topic with her. Therefore, he had no further indication that it would be wrong for him to say something.

Lissa plopped herself down in the seat beside Adrian, and then questioned, "So what do you know that I don't?" There was a noticeable edge to her voice. She sounded snappy.

Adrian responded with a teasing smile, "You know, for someone who is always looked upon as so sweet and angelic, you sure can have a big attitude."

She retorted with a snort, "I'm best friends with _the_ Rose Hathaway; It's only normal for her attitude to rub off on me every now and then." That did explain a lot.

"You make a good point. Maybe the reason she didn't tell you too is because she was afraid of your attitude…" he joked, not considering his slip.

"So then, you knew before she left?" she pried, acknowledging his slip.

He looked at her contemplatively before answering. "Yes. Yes, I did. She told me before she left." _Uh-oh_. I had been scared that this would happen.

"Wait a minute. She told _you_, but somehow 'forgot' to tell her _best friend_?" Just as I'd suspected, she was beyond furious. I internally cringed.

"Actually, I'm just as surprised that she didn't tell you as you are. I would have thought…? But never mind that. She must have had her reasons… like not wanting to upset you," he thought aloud.

"Oh… upset doesn't even come close to covering how I feel! How could she do this to me?" The waterworks started back up again, making me want to cry as well.

"I don't know. I'm just as clueless as you are. All I know is that she didn't really say much. Just that, after everything that had happened, she needed to get away." I was glad he didn't add the part about him giving me money.

"Right. So she needed to get away from _me_? Was that the problem? Was I too much for her to handle?"

"It wasn't you, Lissa. Although it was really unexpected… Sure things got bad around here, but what could have possibly caused her to leave so drastically?" Adrian inquired.

That got Lissa thinking, and she _knew_. She thought back to my relationship with Dimitri and the way I had reacted over his undead state. Lissa also remembered the silent promise we'd made to each other back in that SUV months ago. I would never forget that day and was surprised that she, too, thought of it still.

Lissa didn't say any of this aloud, my privacy in mind. I could always count on Liss for sympathy, even when she was really mad at me.

Despite her anger towards me, I was happy that she understood that it hadn't been her who had caused me to leave. No matter what the cause, she was still infuriated with me because she thought I'd chosen him over her.

"Are you okay? Your aura just changed with your growing anger."

"Yeah, I'm fine," she snapped. Then, she felt guilty for acting so mean to him when all he wanted to do was help. "Sorry for my behaviour," she apologized. "It's just… it has only been one day and I miss her so much. I know she can always drop in through the bond, but _I_ want to be able to talk with her."

He sighed speculatively. "I'll teach you," he said, out of the blue.

"What?" she asked lost.

"I'll teach you to dream walk."

I exited her head, unable to bear anymore. My check-in with Lissa had only initiated more stress to form within me. I had enough on my plate as it was, and didn't need to worry about her trying to find means of communication with me. Adrian was one thing, but having Lissa pop into my dreams would complicate matters immensely.

The anxiety was too much for me to deal with. First Dimitri, now Lissa. Why wasn't anyone giving me a break? Ugh, why was my life so complicated? It was like everyone was trying to tear me apart at the exact same time.

My head hurt and my heart was pounding. I needed to get out of this room. I was growing claustrophobic; all my problems were cramming into this very room with me, hardly leaving any space left for myself.

My stomach growled. _Great_. Just what I needed to top things off: another thing to add to my list of worries. I had barely eaten all day. In addition to the lack of food in my stomach, even though it was the human nighttime, it was also supposed to be _my_ lunchtime.

Glancing around the room, my eyes spotted a pamphlet on the coffee table. I went over to pick it up. As the pamphlet indicated, I could always order room service.

But what fun would that be? You know, just kick back and eat some food, while watching TV? Of course not. Being the girl I was, was my mind ever relaxed? I highly doubted it. I guess guardian life- or even if I wasn't officially a guardian, anything to do with Strigoi hunting- involved high stress at all times. Or maybe it was just _me_ and my messed up life. Who knows? After all, I wasn't your typical teenager- actually, _adult_. Right, because it was my birthday today. Could have fooled me too. _A very happy birthday to me it is. Being a grown-up is fun._

Since my stresses were clearly all jam-packed into this room, I decided getting outside for some fresh air and a snack would be a good thing- and I had no trouble believing all my worries would follow me outside, but at least there would be more space for everything in the open air.

I walked over to my carry-on and opened it. Inside, I found a blue cotton sweater. I put my arms through the sleeves and zipped it up. I put my hand in my sweater's right pocket, feeling for my silver stake. My hand closed around it but did not take it out.

Going out in the middle of the night was not a clever decision on my part, especially in a big city. Lots of Strigoi would probably loom around. And although I had my stake, I was too overtired to be one hundred percent focused on the world around me. I relieved myself from over worrying as I knew I would feel the nausea when a Strigoi would lurk too close.

I left my bag along with the room as I made my way downstairs to the lobby. The lobby was much like the room, although it was etching its way up to the 'chic' category. I hadn't chosen an expensive and elegant hotel. It wasn't worth it for what I was here for. It wasn't like I would have the time to appreciate the hotel. That wasn't my goal.

On my way through the lobby, I passed the manager at the desk. He startled me when he said, "I hope you're enjoying your stay here."

He was being kind, genuinely caring about how I liked it here. Still, all I could muster up to say was a quick "Yep," then walked away towards the exit.

The exit of the hotel was one of those turning doors, you know, the one where you have to push in a circle to get out. I paused before going through.

Nevertheless, I felt for the stake in my sweater, just to be safe and make sure it was still there. Then, I thought of something. Would I be able to find a twenty-four hour café? I wasn't in the mood for anything fancy and whatnot. Moscow, such a vibrant place, would certainly have something simple opened this late, right?

I went with my instinct- which told me to check for myself. Taking a deep breath, my heart speeding up, I went through the turning door.

Outside was… amazing. If I'd thought it was a nice city when the sun was still in view earlier, with the darkness it was _beautiful_. Lights highlighted the streets and restaurants invited people to eat. And I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that it wouldn't be a challenge for me to find a small café. Even though it was late night, pedestrians wandered the streets.

I took in every aspect of the city as I walked down the streets. I looked inside every window I passed to see what the store or restaurant held; I knew I wouldn't be able to understand Russian signs indicating a café, so I inspected inside to see if I would find something that resembled one.

I was making my way down the fourth block away from my hotel when suddenly a confusing feeling tickled at my mind- or something like that. A wave of heat and then ice followed the agitation in my head. Then, it was gone.

The sensation had been disorienting, but I tried to ignore the paranoia it installed in me, passing it off as a side effect to fatigue.

I continued my prance down the fourth block. There was a streetlight before crossing to the fifth. I waited patiently- sort of- for the light to turn to that white pedestrian sign. After crossing, I noticed in the second window on the block a coffee shop. I could tell because there were sandwiches in the counter window, and donuts and cookies in the back as well. My mouth melted with the thought of having a donut; that was just what I needed to lighten my mood.

I was in front of the door, about to open it, when I felt a presence shockingly close behind me. I froze. It wasn't a Strigoi because I didn't feel the nausea that would come along with one's presence. So what could it be? My heart jumped out of place thinking that perhaps it was someone from the Academy who had found me and would try to haul me back.

However, it was a voice I did not recognize. "Oh my. Y-you're shadow-kissed," an excited female voice said.

A shiver ran up my spine as I turned to face the speaker.


End file.
